Are You Still Stuck? : a cut-up

What are the concrete, measurable things we want?
Am I distracting myself from real life?
Am I willing to handle it?
This is an assumption that I am this experience.
I can identify with it. This is demented.
There have to be benefits to continuing to do something you don’t like.
I’m like Dracula lost at sea with no hope of a new land.
How am I going to do it?
You have to do a little bit of both.
Squeeze it in.
I’ve come to the conclusion that darkness isn’t that impressive.
The square in my pocket was magick.

Lines were taken from February’s unpublished journals and rearranged into, what seems like, a coherent poem.

Burst Forth William Blake

In order to be a Chaos Magician you also have to not be a Chaos Magician. A magician who lives in the world of magic alone is a lonely & decedent magician. You must bring back the pearls of wisdom. A magician cannot be an oyster. They’d clam up & clamber for the light. Roles quickly reversing – good becoming evil and evil becoming good. They’re lost. Trapped in their own bodies. Unable to connect with another. This is sad.

Unfurl forth and be. Be lonely, be comfortable. Be anything you want to be. Purpose spring forth from magicians’ fingers, nothing can stop them in their grim desires. Planting seeds one day at a time until they grow into their desires manifest. This is the magician’s grim purpose: living a life of art. Each action a brushstroke of aesthetic. Life is art. Burst forth young magician. Live! Be! The world is your oyster. Be not stuck in ritual, leaving your dark work and thriving in the world of blood. Fulfill your will of pleasure in this garden of Eden. Paradise lost and regained.

Choronzon – The Fracturing of Self

Experiencing yourself as completely disjointed is a necessary step to experiencing yourself as Whole and complete. I don’t think the Complete Self can be experienced directly, as you are it. But you’ll know it when you experience yourself as going through experiences. Ah, but this is how you always experience yourself. Thus my thrust that what you are looking for in enlightenment is always with you.

As far as I know and have researched, Choronzon is exclusive to the K&CHGA process and experience. Maybe Crowley made it up but it stuck.

I remember our first encounter well. I was in a bar with my friend, inebriated as I’m sure Crowley would appreciate, and suddenly my friend became the manifestation of Choronzon. I could tell my friend was attached to his experiences. I was entering the process of becoming unattached to mine. This experience is wrapped up in a whole slew of spiritual experiences that show you your Whole Self. Suffice it to say I was surprised but then was coy with him, teasing him that he was believing the words that were coming out of his mouth. I knew they weren’t true. Words never do encapsulate the experience of the Whole.

One of my spiritual mentors, Joel Biroco, talks exclusively to this aspect of Choronzon. I’ve never heard anyone else talk about this, this fragmentation. Like looking in a shattered mirror. To the extent that you suffer, it’s really a terrible thing to be lost in experience, especially to this poignant, demonic, exaggerated extent. The magician really needs to have their spiritual tech together to get through it. Personally, and perhaps in retrospect, I relied completely on the faith I had in my Holy Guardian Angel. He took me and guided me through experiences that would help me and showed me exactly what’d I need. In every experience up to this exact moment he has been with me. This I am sure of. He’s with us since birth. He is our conscious. On saying I did not have the spiritual tech I needed to get through it, I’ve since been guided to it. Though to be fair to myself I did have it, I’m just much more skilled in it now: shikantaza, ritual magic, chaos magic, introspection and journaling. These are all weapons I use against Choronzon.

This experience, Choronzon, hits me so hard I really get triggered when magical folks talk about ‘yay Choronzon I’m spooky edgy and demonic’. That’s really not the point at all. At least not to me. It’s been my general experience that magic is about becoming less of an asshole, thank you. So I will exclusively banish these bad vibes whenever I encounter them. And I’d encourage you to do the same, dear reader. Banish Choronzon In Nomine Babalon, that is, in silence.

This Olde Blog

I written on this blog faithfully for the past few years. Where are all the posts? I couldn’t stand to post them. I couldn’t stand myself for a while. So I changed. It wasn’t that easy mind you. But I did it. I haven’t drank in 18 months. I used to drink about every 18 hours it seemed like. Now I’m more my magical self. I’m becoming the person I wanted to be. I know a bunch about meditation. I’ve kissed the heart of the Western Magical Tradition, though I stand on the backs of giants. (If I’ve done what I think I’ve done at all). I couldn’t be happier.

I’m still having trouble writing. I’m chalking it up to being hard work. It’s not me anymore. It’s my skill. And I’m ok with that. I’ll have to keep practicing. Keep honing my skill. And most importantly keep trusting myself. I’m going to keep posting here in a semi journal semi whatever I feel like writing about way. Thank for you for reading along.

Dynamic Goal Setting

You want stuff. Here’s how to get it.

Dynamic Goal Setting

  1. Big Picture
  2. Goals
  3. Daily Tasks
  1. Big Picture: What is it overall that you want? Ex. 1. To be strong.
  2. Goals: This is an exact measurement of how you’ll measure your Big Picture. This is Dynamic Goal Setting so your Big Picture could involve several Goals. Ex. 2. To do 50 pushups. To run a 9 minute mile. To lose 15 lbs.
  3. Daily Tasks: This is what you’re going to do today or list of to-do tasks to get to your Goal(s) thus achieving your Big Picture. Our Big Picture takes shape here in tree form. Ex. 3. Do 10 pushups 3x per week. sub Buy a yoga mat. 3. 30 minute walk 2x per week. sub Plan route Buy new laces for running shoes. 3. Eat a low carb diet. sub Research food to eat and avoid. Plan meals. Go to grocery store Tuesday.

Here’s how it’d look written out:

  1. To be strong.
  2. Be able to do 50 pushups. To run a 9 minute mile. To lose 15 lbs.
  3. Do 10 pushups 3x per week.
    1. Buy a yoga mat.
  4. 30 minute walk 2x per week.
    1. Plan route
    2. Buy new laces for running shoes
  5. Eat a low carb diet.
    1. Research food to eat and avoid.
    2. Plan meals.
    3. Go to grocery store Tuesday.

Author’s Note: Ideally I’d label 4 and 5 above as more 3’s but I can’t format it like that, sorry. See what layout works best for you.

Maybe you can see how the Big Picture will be redefined over time. This prevents you from painting yourself into boxes of your past selves. Dynamic Goal Setting helps you take actionable steps towards what were initially vague goals but get dynamically morphed into achievable goals. Ex. I AM strong!

Next time: It’ll probably be a few days. I’m going to work on something more substantial. Once again SS’s identity takes a swing to the weird.

How To Use Your Entire Brain

More specifically titled: Utilizing your entire experiential pallet.

Now that you’re enlightened what do you do?

First check: Are you considering your baggage a feature of enlightenment?

Second check: Have you opened your heart to all people?

Third check: How’s your life? Do you have goals?

These are projections of course. I’m not an expert but they’re what I’d suggest based on my limiting experience.


You’re a little shook aren’t you? You thought enlightenment would cure all your ills. It does not. Get help. There is no problem having areas you still need to develop in.


You might be wrong. Open your heart. People are worth getting to know a little bit. You don’t have to like them but get to know them.


If you aren’t achieving your goals what even do you do during the day? Get a job. Take a class. Read a book.

Up next: Dynamic Goal Setting

Advice to Magicians Seeking Enlightenment

Because you asked… oh you didn’t?

Anyway, here’s my unsolicited advice:

If you’re going for enlightenment you don’t need a “path”. What you’re looking for is right in front of you. Don’t believe me? Pretend you didn’t know you had a left hand because you’d never looked at it before. You hadn’t heard it make noises, smelled it, etc; you’d never experienced having a left hand. But one day someone comes along and tells you, “hey, you have a left hand”. And you’re like, “yeah right, I don’t even know what that is”. Or conversely, you hear somehow about maybe having a left hand and you want to figure out how to experience it. You have it the whole time but you never experienced it.

Practices to uncover this are necessary. Magick to uncover this is helpful. You don’t need to join anything for this to be successful. No one needs your money, your time, or especially your emotions. These are distractions. Guru and magical group trauma in various forms is very real. A casual few friends meditating on your own and reporting back at at weekly video conference meetup is highly more desirable than to join an ancient order to unlock your mysterious powers.

I suggest a core practice and a handful of support practices to aid your quest. Core practice should include some form of insight meditation. Support practices should support your core mission and your overall wellbeing.

Core Practices:
Self Inquiry
Centering Prayer

Support Practices:
Prayers to Deity(s)
Micro Practices of your CP throughout the day
Relaxation Techniques

The list of SP, Support Practices, are more extensive. I’d wager there are only a handful of CP that really work. Staring at a candle or practicing Carroll’s ‘Motionlessness’ from Liber Null won’t do the trick. You need something that’s going to deconstruct your experience so that you can begin to see your natural consciousness and it’s qualities shining through. This is very doable. It may take a year or two, maybe more depending on the deftness of your practice, but you can definitely do it.

My final suggestion is to begin with the end in mind:

Why are you doing this? Religiously speaking you’re not going to get anything from it. You won’t not be reborn. It’s not a free ticket to heaven. It won’t make you cooler or funnier or prettier or smarter. And it sure as heck won’t make you more emotionally balanced. All of those things happen by working on those specific areas. If you’re slightly unbalanced before enlightenment you’ll be slightly unbalanced after enlightenment. We all have things to work on and have things that hide from our attention but if you begin to consider your baggage a feature of enlightenment you are poignantly wrong and should quickly reassess.

Enlightenment is an achievable goal and what you’re looking for is always with you. Practice well.

*No left hands were hurt in the making of this post.*