I exist to say Thank You!
Thank you to anyone who has read my Blog — Who has cared about my Practice — Who has cared about Me.
Stick around for more Spooky adventures.
If you’re struggling with inner changes caused by your practice know that you can see your way through and I’m here with you.
I don’t really know the best way to help you but I can say that it’s okay to take a break, it’s okay to bind things within you so you can move on (though you’ll have to come back for these), it’s okay to give yourself a break from the hardcore and simply ‘be’ in your practice.
The Magus when writing describes appearances. The Magister Templi still thinks he can figure something out. The Ipsissimus describes nothing.
I sit in the Ipsissimus so often I’m not called to write anything. When I move to the Magus I’m not too keen to write anything as I’m trying to orient my life now in a healthy way. I’ve spent so much time as the MT that this still needs to be done. This is the focus of my life now.
Moving on my life and family and employment the way waves moves upon the ocean. Not separate yet not among, only as the Magus can. Dealing with appearances as they come, at the behest of the Ipsissimus, for the Ipsissimus. The MT is forgotten yet becomes the shadow. If you do it right, writes the Magus in knowledge, the shadow becomes harmless, is simply seen as a part of the natural personality.
I’m deciding to write today for a number of reasons. I need time for stillness and time for processing what is occuring in my inner ecology. I’m making a decision to let awakening play a larger part in my day to day life – I can no longer pretend it’s just another thing, fuck you postmodernists. Lastly, I simply desire to write and I can’t just expect great things to pop up without practicing.
Good Friday is occuring whether we like it to or not. It’s raining, with flash flood warnings and a chance of my daughter joining us in our bed because of the loud thunder and bright, scary lightening.
Jesus is such a sore topic of our culture. Rapt in racism. Boxed in by scientism. Transcended by New Age thought. (White, American, or western, Christians, or only a generation or two removed -aetheists, essentially Christians in reality) think they have left superstition behind. Think intellectual enlightenment explains away the miracles of Christ and the transcendence of the Grave. In effect, if they knew what Christ knew they’d be tearing the tabernacle of American, western society to the ground. There is nothing of value in scientism. Save helping us live longer. And then, it’s to just eat more Cheetos in the meantime. What’s the value in being alive just to spend $$. That’s not a question. There is no value. You’re not wresting your value from the capitalists.
This is all a bit harsh but it’s the reality we live in. I don’t see any value in Western socieity. It’s all a bit bland and everyone – everyone – is being taken advantage of. Why would a Billionaire want us to wake up to the truth. That this is all for their insecurity, for their greed? That just because they can they’re going to TAKE more from us!
Well anyways, times up. That’s all I’ve got for today. Off to live my life. I do hope to continue putting more complete thoughts together, making something worth following.
My brain is fried. I can’t go about my job. My ego and my reality are fried. I instinctively want to be the best but I know this is a lie – I should want to get through my day. Bind myself in time.
Who do I bind in time? I’ve gone through so much iteration. I run away from myself, from the alcoholic. I’m having cravings again. I seek to bind myself but not this myself. I’m lost.
There’s a better version of me out there. I know it. Byrd shows me and tells me constantly. Why can’t I latch onto it. It’s like butter melting through my hands. I know I can just grasp it but I want to make sure, sure.
The grasping at this is asinine. Foolish. I’ll die before I know who I am and I’ve known who I am the entire time. From before I was born I knew who I was. I need a Cosmological Binding: from Magia.
Which part of myself is bindable?
Which part of myself is safe?
When I bind I exclude;
What if I bind unsafely?
What if I bind…him!?
Tears for my un-binding.
Tears fall and I don’t bind.
Tell my kids I’m sorry.
Should I quit should I give up?
Should I throw in the towel –
Well kids, things weren’t how I thought they were.
Things weren’t to my benefit afterall.
I gave up because I couldn’t be the best.
Mom, Mom you put me here.
Insisted I be the best.
For my own good, I know.
But I can’t shake the knowledge.
I’m the best.
Succubus of a stubborn Sagitarrius.
I bind thee, Sagitarrius.
I bind thee and thy positive properties,
The ones you cannot see.
The ones you refuse to see.
As you feel they’d be your demise.
I bind you.
In the name of Magia, you are bound.
Time, semantic bound,
Bold adventurer & philosopher
Something special yet visitable
By all inhabitants of your island.
Your Philosophy accessable to all people,
This is what makes your Work Great.
Magick for all!
Every man woman and child a star.
We know this so.
We know this so.
I think one of my main fears in Chaos Magick is religious institutions. It seems to be more of an instinctive fear. What would happen if I were kicked out of my church? I could see that fractalling in many different ways. It would also be ironic because of my extreme religiosity and frank desire for union with God. I just don’t define what God has to be. I think we all want that, on some level. It’s the deepest love in our Heart to know God. I lied. I did choose within which vehicle to know Him: Thelema, Western Magick, K&CHG. Perhaps too much emphasis was placed on this but it was what it was. I still believe this was the right move. Doesn’t really matter honestly, it’s too late. Should I have done it again? Yes, I believe so. I wish to be tied to the Western Magick tradition, for better or worse, and I am a chaos magician, for better or for worse.
So, I could have sought Union within Christianity but I actively chose not to. I don’t what to say about this. You want reasons? Defend myself. Not yet. What for?
I see a bit of identity clinginging there, re Thelema. But that’s okay. I see it as the religious arm of the WMT. That’s my corny way of seeing it, corny to others potentially I suppose. But good people would still be up for a conversation – and I believe I have good things to say, albeit through my Chaos Magick lens. Friends would value this. Not that I have the greatest things to say, just that I’m valued as a person no matter my beliefs. These are friends and sometimes family. The family of friends. I dunno, I just want to live.
Perhaps I’m internally persecuting myself.
I can do anything. I can understand magick and chaos magick. I can share my thoughts in a safe environment where I’m not worried about being judged for the contents of my thoughts.
Magick is an inherently tricky thing.
What do I have that is inherently worth sharing? Will 15 years of experience suite you?
15 years of experience can look different in different scenarios so I don’t claim to know everything. I do claim to know what I know. And that confidence is enough.
What is the first thing you should do in magick? Assuming you’re going to practice it and are not just starting you should stabilize your experience. What is experience? Experience is the contents of your mind, generally gained via the 5 senses but as we go deeper into our mind the mind’s influence becomes greater and greater and thusly before we go too far, needs to be stabilized.
From the Cushion, what does that mean? I’ve been greatly influenced by the pragmatic dharma scene and so I tend to take a secular magick approach so spend a great deal of my magical time on the cushion, meditating. You don’t have to do this to do magick in fact you probably won’t but this is where I chose to spend my time because I wanted to get very very good at meditation. And for what it’s worth, I think I have. I’m no expert but I know what I know.
The fear of being outed stops many a magician from sharing online. My fears aren’t justified – what is it I’m scared of? Do we just all not know what magick is? Everyone on the planet does magick. Anytime you believe anything you’ve just done magick. I encourage the use of magick. Believing things is the only way anything gets done. And it’s not even conscious – you have to believe you’re having an experience to have an experience. Unless you’re really REALLY good at meditation you cannot choose to NOT have an experience. Does death even really END experience? All religious folks should believe not and atheists, sorry, but the compling amounts of evidence for a mystical reality in which we all already live and have been living, scrub yourselves profusely, have been stacking up regularly.
Cracking the code on capitalism isn’t particularly a good idea professionally. And I’d rather keep my job than my Youtube page. But, fuck, we’re cracking the code on humanity, on existence, on consciousness, on life & death. ‘Reck! We’ll crack it all. This is magick.
You are a ritual and you’ve never been anything else. One thing causes the next and there’s no way out of this loop. You are a fractal. Chaos, with limits, corners, bouncing off changes and pivot points. You’ve never been yourself. In fact, you are nothing but change.
You experience yourself as solid. I am who I am. This is consciousness fooling you. If you look closely this too fades away, changes. It’s the same every time you experience this. (The Holy Guardian Angel shows you this.) Consciousness doesn’t change. But it comes and goes in experience.
Your Atman, your Higher Self, the Source, or true God is extreme in potential. So fully potent as to be nothing — not an absence of something, but beyond distinction. Emptiness, sunyata. This is your true self. But you, the constituents of experience (ie the Ritual) aren’t able to physically touch this thing because it’s…beyond.
There’s no great way to write this out, which is why esoterics are experiential; it’s why I propose a Dark Philosophy, because it’s scary. There’s things unknown going into it*. What you don’t know is then obliterated. And then you come out knowing. This is initiation. This is willed ritual*. This is Occult action.
Dive into the unknown and come out reborn.
The Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao.
These style of practices have more of Buddhisty flair. A distinct awakening flavor.
Through endless kalpas [aeons/times] without beginning, whatever you do, wherever you are, that’s your real mind, that’s your real Buddha. This mind is the Buddha says the same thing. Beyond this mind you’ll never find another Buddha. To search for enlightenment or nirvana beyond this mind is impossible. The reality of your own self-nature, the absence of cause and effect, is what’s meant by mind. Your mind is nirvana. You might think you can find a Buddha or enlightenment somewhere beyond the mind, but such a place doesn’t exist.
Bodhidharma’s Bloodstream Sermon1
Where are you going to look? Where are you going to go? India? China? A new New Age Center down the street with those cool people with tattoos and hair? At a civil rights parade? Is that enlightenment? Intellectual enlightenment perhaps, but not Buddhist enlightenment.
I don’t care if you can drink a cup of water if 4 seconds the mind is more instantaneous than that. The mind is nowhere and anywhere you go. It’s always there. It’s what looks! It’s who speaks! It’s what thinks! Die? What doesn’t ‘exist’ doesn’t die. You, your true nature won’t die.
Salvation? An offering, if you can receive it.
1 https://thedewdrop.org/2020/11/23/bodhidharmas-bloodstream-sermon/ (Can’t vouch for the site, just found the quote there.)
I wanted to say something about the traditional form of magick. I’m thinking the Pentagram, the elements.
How do these interact and live in our lives?
I see these as manifestation of the 5 skandhas of Buddhism. Sensations, Emotions, Thoughts, Identity, Emptiness. It doesn’t match up perfectly, but these are all in motion. You can raise the number of “things” in your system or lower it; it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you identify with these things, see yourself as a complete unit, and *dissolve* into the Ether. That’s the good stuff!
Getting your life in order is just about the number one thing to do after you are “fully awakened”. Well what’s the point if you’re a mess, unable to function in this world, and suffering all the time.
Ooh, there is “no thing” and “no one” to work on anything? Smack yourself around a little bit after that and see how your cheek turns red. Ok so now that we agree there is effect, what do we do about it? What can we do about it may be a better question because, if you’re like me, you have some mental issues to work out. I believe this, is the real point of awakening. At least for now.