Wasting time avoiding

One of the first things I did upon Union with my Angel was to fall off a Thelemic view of the situation and take on other possibilities. This amped up and reified an intellectual solution to a non-intellectual problem. Leaving the unanswered situations of Life & Experience to flounder.

Union being a problem? Isn’t that the goal. Duncan Barford has been blogging recently on positive trauma. It’s trauma that we take on ourselves. Conversely negative trauma, as something we didn’t choose. As magicians we chose, we employ.

There’s life in these bones
Joy in these bones

Zen States?

It’s not about being someone or becoming someone. It’s about the quality of nonbeing in the present moment. That’s Zen, that’s union via magick. Not titles, not states.

Magick isn’t for the faint of heart. No, wait. Magick is more than this occulted warning. Magick makes the heart grow strong. To teach one the grace required to navigate the intricacies of life.


I normally feel pretty weird when I’m on my alternative social media. I don’t have any social imperative to actually tell the truth. Not that I would lie, I wouldn’t, but when you can be anybody who do you decide to be? Most people, non judgmentally here – simply observing, would probably turn to a secret desire or something they’d like to see manifested in the world. Perhaps I’m no different. Seeking to have a magical personality unleashed on the world, scared of the real-life consequences. Practicing an alternative spirituality can be difficult. For many reasons.

Working through these has been a struggle. With no guide and a real life to maintain the crossover is easy to avoid. Most days I do my practice and get on with my life. Really, just like anyone else – who may exercise or read the Bible or bake. It’s a hobby. It’s in addition to life; positive psychology, if you’ve heard of this. But my hobby just stems around the problem of birth and death, as the Zennist’s say. I’m interested in the Occult. Philosophy, magic, meditation, brain change, spirits, energetic practices, sigils, divination. My main physical goal is to get smarter. Which is accomplished through reading – which, I don’t do enough of currently. Not focusedly enough, anyway. Another main physical goal – physical being earthly, measurably, tangibly – is to practice meditation and stretch. I’ve been trying to sit for longer periods. This requires being more comfortable. I’m working on a split! Here’s where the devil offers you his poison. Meditation is not a normal hobby. Meditation is religion. Meditation has terrible spiritual consequences. Meditation changes your worldview. If you’re religious, I wouldn’t meditate. I’m not or wasn’t religious. I’ve now become religious, but that’s only because religion is found in the fabric of the world. In the fabric of reality, of experience. You can’t not have religious experiences. They not be recognized as religious experiences but you have them. If you’re like me religious has probably fucked you up something good. Fuck religion. I can do so much more not using the lens of religion than with it. With it, you load up an entire world viewpoint and who knows what all else that includes personally for that individual and what that means to them and how they’re going to react. It’s a mess. Why would I talk about mysticism -which I’m very much involved in- in religious terms to you? We’re not on the same level. I wouldn’t want you to think you know what I’m talking about because you don’t. I’m not ashamed of this.

Let’s talk about Buddhism. So much simpler but again, who knows what people’s beliefs about Buddhism are. Probably, again, another waste of time. Jumping the gun, as I’m apt to do, when you look at stuff, you notice you’re looking? That’s consciousness. Through the practice of meditation I train my attention to stare at consciousness and not flinch. If you do this long enough…things that have been put to much better religious tests than Jesus’ claims start to happen. This scientifically repeatable experiment produces *a-fuckin’-hem* the same spiritual juice that Jesus had. That’s right folks, Jesus is a science experiment. Or rather, the godfathers and mothers of modern science used to practice occult science. This is where medicine came from, which is essentially the precursor for modern wellbeing. Amongst other related things. I am simply in this long line of people and I am telling you that I have discovered “how to get enlightened”. There’s probably other ways, there’s other people who’ve come to this same conclusion, also in other paradigms. But mine’s occult, magick, Thelema, Chaos Magic, witchcraft, depending on the day and my mood. This “looks like” me practicing Soto Zen Buddhism, sitting 40 minutes on the mat in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening but really I’m practicing science. Occult sciences.

But wait there’s more.

There’s energy, spirits, reading the future, spells, and killing your neighbor who doesn’t cut his grass. There’s danger, fun, excitement, and things that go bump in the night. There a whole mess of related fields to this. Bigfoot. Ghosts. Tarot cards. Energy practices like tai chi. But I don’t feel like getting into it right now. There’s layers of human experience that you haven’t even tapped into yet. Hence, “occult” science, “hidden” science, or esoterics, as I sometimes say.

This sounds like my voice and I’m happy to say I’ve written a post and scared off neighbors and friends but this is who I am. This is what I’ve become these last 15 years. Why I’ve been so quiet on social media and in life. I’ve been busy. I’ve been talking to Angels.

I want the best for you

I’ve been in esoterics a long time and I can honestly say the best thing you can do for yourself is to start a meditation practice. Sounds boring and it will be at first and often throughout your journey; it may seem stupid or worthless. Over time you’ll see that it’s not. Especially later when you become interested in what you experience during meditation. But the point isn’t to become beholden to what you experience. At first you’ll need to develop your concentration. After that you can begin deconstruction. Then you’ll begin to explore the witness. Then hopefully you’ll experience awakening. From there you can begin to ‘just sit’, and review your life. I don’t know what happens after that because that’s where I am and I’d never want to steer you wrong. Start a meditation practice today. If you need candles and music and shit hurry and try and get beyond that, get interested in what you experience. Awakening is a serious practice and no doubt you CAN do it. It’s worth it, every human should do it and the world would probably be better if we were all awakened, maybe even forced to meditate at first. Oppressive optimism? Well… I hope you have a good day and that you’ve enjoyed reading this yet most of all I hope you awaken. Just get passed the boring parts.

Those boring parts: Those boring parts are psychological. You will have to review them. You can spend years reviewing these things, making up a fancy story about how your life is and how society should be. Not to be brash, but it’s a waste of time. You can and should review these things. …

I’m exposing my own relationship to reviewing my shadow. I’m shadowing the shadow. No I’m half-way kidding. Shadow work is important business but it’s not required to meditate. My point is that you can spend a lifetime rearranging the things you experience and never get down to the business of awakening. That’s the point of being alive – debatably esoterically speaking. What’s the point of getting involved with spooky shit if you never awaken? Ooh, Bigfoot is real: no he is not. Vampires aren’t real. Nothing you experience is real, you’re Mom’s not real. You’re entire identity is a projection of your mind. It’s not even “your” mind. It’s just experience. Experience ‘is’. It’s weird to explain but it’s true. Meditate for 5 years and you’ll see.

Now that my fascist roots have come out anything you want to throw my way? Geez, I can’t put up with this shit. Get a grip. Life is terrible at times and in places. Warzones man. Famine. Disease. It’s horrible, and I wish it didn’t exist but it does. There are motivators to practice. Unfortunately, most of them are because of something bad. I was an addict. I hate to admit it but it’s true. I’ve been a terrible person at times. I struggle now sometimes. We all have the capacity for ‘bad’, but that’s what makes us meditate. The potential for something ‘good’. Awakening is good. Self review after awakening is good. Do it. Try it and see. If you don’t like awakening so what? Go back to being a d-bag, who cares?

The problem of adding magical things to a non-magical view

In his recent episode, Duncan Barford talks about near-enemies of magick. A near-enemy, he explains, is a Buddhist term for something that may look valuable to practice but really pulls us away from truth. He valuably details three near-enemies to magic: art, psychology, and philosophy.

I’ve noticed in my own practice the tendency to chaos magick things up too much. Of being too nonchalant about magick and overreaching on my skills. To put magical items on a non-magical or atheist mental backdrop and dismissing any effects as not magic. This, obvious now, is magick doing exactly what’s it’s suppose to; it’s behaving exactly correctly. I, on the other hand, am employing the magick incorrectly and inefficiently.

Part of this is part of my ongoing shadow work and self review. It’s better and more effective to give way to a magical backdrop, that reality is magical, and allowing my own deficiencies to show; accept my emotions and project my will. I’ve tended to want to shut down around people. To hide completely, no emotions and no will. There are obvious issues with this and am actively working on standing up for myself. To stand up for the authenticity of my own experience.

Sober notes

It’s taken me two and a half years off alcohol and a month and a half off nicotine to come to terms with the fact that I don’t have to replace addiction with another lesser addiction. Carrying forward in subtlety, I don’t have to replace craving with anything. I can let it be what it is. I’m still working on this but worrying over drinking too much decaf coffee- it isn’t really an addiction. It’s something I like. And at the same time let cravings be cravings. These are subtle, mind you. Feeling the need to fill yourself with sense cravings perhaps is a part of life, pointed out by the Buddha, but for me, a Sagittarius, I’ve been especially sensitive to this. In full admission, I have struggled, greatly, for many years.

In hope and light, I have also almost as long practiced magick. Concurrently I dove head first into the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel. I began this process, which MY ANGEL helped and carried along, a couple years after beginning magick. My addiction would not be over if I didn’t have this process in my life. For that I am ever-thankful for my angel.

Pragmatic Dharma / Chaos Magick note: Sense experiences comprise perception of self and reality. A question I asked myself, how can I exist, move forward in the world without sense desires? I’ve been scared to adopt a new addiction. To blend metaphysics (I’m a chaos magician, sue me), addiction falls into the 5th Circuit of the ‘8 Circuit Model’ while accepting sense desires as a normal part of life falls into the bottom four and, again blending, perhaps the nature of Fire or with Spirit moving between the corners of the Pentagram, depending how you want to look at it, make up Life. Perhaps defining addiction to myself would be of dire helpfulness. The use of dangerous substances or compulsive habits to mask the existence and acceptance, meditationally, of craving. Addiction is the inability to “Name and Tame” craving. Again, dropping above or below an abyss, craving is a natural part of life but when we don’t crave things that are in accordance of our True Will we can begin the use substances/weird habits (no offense) as dark offerings, in a sense, to craving. How does a normal healthy person deal with this? Going about daily life normally with no addictive uses. I’m scared of developing addictive uses. This is good, to fear this, you should MF’r. Drinking decaf coffee and reading too many comic books isn’t an addictive personality trait. Buying a vape because you think you can handle it, is. And if you do that I will rip you a new one.

My brain, people: round of applause lul.

But those things may take you off your concentration game. Pragmatic Dharma, “Out!” *mic drop*

Just be yourself

I’ve had a little trouble recently being myself. I worry about people finding out I’m more of a leftist than I let on, I worry about people finding out I’m a dastardly occultist – simultaneously worrying I’m not an occultist because I don’t do enough magic, I worry about my business, social status, and family suffering because of either of these left leaning tendencies, political and spiritual. I really enjoy the friends and connections I have online, though small in number, I genuinely care about the few people who follow me. Most of us have had some connection of the years and have come up with me on my spiritual search. I do want to be more public with my beliefs but feel that my concerns are warranted. I don’t live in San Francisco where I can just do whatever I want. Part of me wishes I could just be myself.

Perhaps my worries are just worries and my friends have my back no matter what. I know you do but I’m not scared of losing your friendship. I’m scared of losing my business and messing up my family’s lives because of something I believe… because of who I am. Does this last part beg me saying the question, what if I’m just a failure? I don’t believe this in the slightest but what if I can’t hold my spiritual or political beliefs and still be the same person. Who do I think people think I am? What if they thought I was more free-spirited than I am? There’s no harm in that. Why don’t I write what I want to write? Why don’t I just be myself?

How does this look in everyday life? I’m not linking my personal stuff to this anyway. Do I want to go on massive FB political rants? Doubt anyone would care. Participate in more spiritual group stuff? I’ve wanted to do this anyway. I’m afraid. I guess that’s all there is to it. Good ol’ fear. Pray for me or spell for me to overcome this fear. That I may leverage my beliefs and my personal life to mutual benefit.

I want to emote without being judged as having that intellectual position. I hate Republicans isn’t the same thing as I hate every person registered Republican. Does the internet even know this distinction anymore? I need to be careful I express this. Not to say stupid stuff but to emote. There’s a discernable difference methinks.

That’s it for now. Holler if you’ve ever had trouble expressing yourself. Happy to hear from you. Trying to be genuine here. Be well.

Not much to life – Flat – Insight Stage?

There’s really not much to life. Why not get messed up all the time?

Responsibilities. They don’t present the same way in consciousness but they’re there.

The thought, “there’s really not much to life” probably is in regard to a specific part of the brain, let’s say.

The flatness of consciousness matched up with excitement and joy. Of course they don’t compare. One releases endorphins et al and one is an insight.

Other reasons:

Doing good for people is nice.

I can release a fuck-ton of endorphins on call and become a superhero.

I’m also probably in some sort of dark night/insight stage. I’m tired. I’m sad. My wife made me mad/sad this morning.

I’ll wait it out and see if it goes away.

A policy of Universal Love?

The problem with Universal Love as I’ve experienced it is that it’s not a paradigm, it’s an esoteric experience or meditational insight regarding the nature of being. If Christians and in general conservative white people were to experience this, as I believe Christ instructed, they would lose the sense of tribalism that clings and creates issues (starkly understated) like dog mess in the crevices of one’s shoe. Yet belonging to groups is massively important to identity (“tribalism” then a derogatory term). How do ‘liberals’ get around this? Many don’t, “locked into” social views just like anyone else but their views are more open. (If I’m cynical I’d say 98% of humanity will never open their mind in any sense – choosing to wait until death when, through faith, they hope it will. If I’m honest, for them, I hope it does.) But when you’re locked in to one side you have to *side* which causes the *slide* into extremism. You can see this on both sides. I’m not immune and I have preferences politically (in general I’m naïve but willing to learn – which isn’t a political position, so I’ll say, in general, I’m conservative but I’m pretty moderate and apt to swing the moderation from left to right). If that statement makes you ‘reee’ let me say I am firmly anti-racist and have been my entire life as far as I can tell. I perhaps may write something insensitive but it’s not my intention – it’s impossible to not piss off “sliden” liberals or conservatives. As much as I avoid extremes on both sides (again, this is a fundamentally philosophical issue of being embedded in beliefs. Embedded meaning unexamined ‘whys’, why you’re like this. I’m fundamentally against embeddedness (again, in this meaning). But that’s a personal proclivity not a political statement. And if that somehow makes me a racist your mental gymnastics are better than mine.

After coffee, the sun rising, and some work, I want to state that moderates are not immune from embeddedness and this was not my intention in that statement. I find being politically moderate gives me the leeway to navigate life while researching the political topics I’m interested in. I don’t particularly mind who the president is, etc. I do stand against racism but that issue isn’t owned by either side. The popular dialogue is one thing, I’ll give you that, and I won’t say more.

Chaos Magic 3.0

For me, chaos magic has become about living a spiritual life in the most technically correct and badass empowering ways possible. For me this often translates to meditation and reading fiction. This doesn’t really seem like a lot on paper but as I often say if you want the dharma combat hit me with it.

Magic is a spiritual process. It’s not for changing reality.

Sometimes. Depends what you believe about it and this is what I believe. It is of note that I said ‘dharma combat’ and not ‘magical combat’. I’m always ready for the first and the second is trepidatious. Point taken. I’m not as well versed in spellwork as I am insight, which is developed in meditation and self-inquiry. Magic, the practice of charms and spells, in this regard requires one to be a hardnosed son-of-a-bitch. A quality I haven’t been that interested in developing until recently.

Addiction strips away ones will systematically until you are nothing but the substances and their use- the experience of addictive craving. I hope no one has to experience this (but of course millions will). That said, addiction varies by degrees, and willpower isn’t everything. Yet, the degree to which I’ve mastered my mind under these conditions is really impressive. I will turn the credit to my friends over at the old Baptists Head blog, my Holy Guardian Angel, karma, and being a hardnosed son-of-a-bitch.