I think one of my main fears in Chaos Magick is religious institutions. It seems to be more of an instinctive fear. What would happen if I were kicked out of my church? I could see that fractalling in many different ways. It would also be ironic because of my extreme religiosity and frank desire for union with God. I just don’t define what God has to be. I think we all want that, on some level. It’s the deepest love in our Heart to know God. I lied. I did choose within which vehicle to know Him: Thelema, Western Magick, K&CHG. Perhaps too much emphasis was placed on this but it was what it was. I still believe this was the right move. Doesn’t really matter honestly, it’s too late. Should I have done it again? Yes, I believe so. I wish to be tied to the Western Magick tradition, for better or worse, and I am a chaos magician, for better or for worse.

So, I could have sought Union within Christianity but I actively chose not to. I don’t what to say about this. You want reasons? Defend myself. Not yet. What for?

I see a bit of identity clinginging there, re Thelema. But that’s okay. I see it as the religious arm of the WMT. That’s my corny way of seeing it, corny to others potentially I suppose. But good people would still be up for a conversation – and I believe I have good things to say, albeit through my Chaos Magick lens. Friends would value this. Not that I have the greatest things to say, just that I’m valued as a person no matter my beliefs. These are friends and sometimes family. The family of friends. I dunno, I just want to live.

Perhaps I’m internally persecuting myself.