Today I’m reminded of when I used to have dreams. I remembered the feeling. I thought about the work I’d put in. I thought about my failures – follow through, dealing with new emotions, keeping my eye on the why, etc.
I feel like I’d like to get back into that. I also remember why I quit. Other than being a massive piece of shit, I remember the cultural challenges I faced. I could not square being a magician and living in a Christian society. In hindsight, and maybe I knew this then, perhaps I wasn’t putting in enough effort ritually. If a ritual is an altered state of consciousness, then it’s no different than drinking a beer. There is a feeling of subversiveness I must have gotten hung up on. I didn’t separate the ritual itself from the idea of ritual in general. – And, to be fair, perhaps magic is a sin anyway. Perhaps fucking your mind up to make shit happen in real life is….now that I type it out a read it, it seems stupid. I quit, period. I gave up just like I do on everything else when it gets hard.
Fuck, I’m a loser.
Coming back to this I didn’t want anyone to think I was being too negative toward myself. I’m not beating myself up over this. It was an in the moment feeling and slight realization.
The question that comes next to plan a ritual is: what do I want?
I want many things. I feel like I need one good ritual to get me back on track. But, don’t feel. Think. What do I need?
Money, health, clarity…
Clarity. That’s something I fuck up with fear. I fear my emotions. I’m scared of myself. Scared of who I could become. What if I follow my feelings and fuck my current life up? Thinking about it, I don’t think this will happen.
So. What’s next?
I’m going to alter habits through small ritual actions. Instead of relying on avoidance I’m going to say a ritual word to reinforce my intent of clarity.
Big, grand goals of wanting to feel a certain way are bad. Bad. Get it in your head. What in actuality are you going to ‘do’? Vague intentions are non-starters.
Instead of reaching for avoidance I will use the mantra, “clear” to alter my habits to trend toward clarity of mind.
Then what’s after clarity? Back to practice. Meditation, energy, offerings. Daily practice. Then it’s life maintenance. Money, parenting, relationship with the wife, reading, etc. Normal goals.
I don’t know what the future will bring, but I can focus on what I can do.