Clenching tension in the body when waking up. Dreams foggy.
I’ve fallen off my workout schedule this week, eating junk food. I didn’t break the challenge but I broke my workout schedule and diet. The desires just seem so compelling. The excuses piling in. Slipping a little bit toward old self. Tough to focus on who I want to be when dealing with loss and sadness of who I was. I tempted myself some and I must say I failed. Disappointed, but I feel hopefully this is showing me another layer of who I don’t want to be and who I am. But like I’ve said before I can’t just ignore my emotions. But processing them is so foreign to me I can see how I got it wrong. I guess the feeling of being lost caught up with me and I’ve slid back to old familiars. Forms of them anyway. It’s funny, because I don’t even like who I was but it was comfortable, so to change is to bring sadness and loss. Can’t I keep just a bit of the joy addiction brings? No, I’ve learned not. I’ve designed a ritual to put to death this notion. To kill this part of my past once and for all. What’s the phrase, ‘burn bridges to light the way’? But everyone needs some ‘thing’ to make them happy. I’ve learned that boosting my ego with things I like does the trick addiction sought to do but never could – to make me feel better. Simple trinkets, jewelry, music, carrying a book with me. To make me feel better about myself, about the world, about my relationships with other people. And this is okay. I used to think this was somehow weakness. That caring for oneself was weak. Liking oneself was weak. That tearing oneself apart was the only solution to this cold world. How wrong I was. Being a funny, goofy person who likes weird, dorky horror shit. Who likes a clean house. Who is actually kind of uptight. Who values personal nobility and dignity instead of being the town outcast, as he thought he valued. Who still doesn’t know who he wants to be but knows who he doesn’t want to be. Who doesn’t have to have everything in order but as long as certain things are with him, his family, a book, his meditation mat in the corner, a cup of tea, his dog, he’ll be okay.
9 pm – 20 minute meditation
Finished Don Delillo’s White Noise.