I was with an old friend at his apartment. He was hospitable but I took advantage of him and drank too much and stayed up all night long. Had nowhere to go in the morning but left and wandered alone by myself. Then I basically played an entire Mission Impossible movie in my mind. Tom Cruise had to dress up like and impersonate an Asian general at a hotel in front of their own men. I saw him there the night before getting ready. And I saw it go wrong and him running and still completing the mission. He had a computer sidekick in his ear the whole time helping him, advising him, but of course he winged it most of the time anyway. I think I played each scene, as Tom, two ways: one, the right way, no drinking with preparation and the other drinking and no preparation.
5:30am 1 hr sit
Sat in a light trance the entire time. Definitely embedded but not heavily. Felt like concentration as ferreted out yesterday. I was mindful at times but not too much to be distracted or to inadvertently switch my object. My object was my concentration. Very pleased with this sit. It wasn’t incredibly blissful or anything but I was pleased I felt concentrated the whole time.
I think my self-transformation will take longer than 1 month. I’m still coming into contact with Wolf and now the Talker. Not to mention the other folks who are popping up and my shadow areas I need to address. My concentration meditation is just barely getting off the ground. I feel like I need to work with my past and alcohol directly sometime soon. I’m just getting started.
I made a sigil this afternoon for seeing emotion as a benefit. Seems this is something I’ve been trying to blot out for a while.
Tarot – CMG deck
Card of the day – 4 of Swords reversed. New card for me. Not the master of my mind? A challenge? Was I an idiot today? Did I forget something? Unleashing Wolf? In the end, I believe this was a warning to not lose the narrative on emotions. Be a master of the mind. Then I looked up the traditional meaning: restlessness, burnout, lack of progress. Lack of progress in processing emotions. Need emotional ritual. I had set up a plan to do some magick with Baphomet a couple days ago that never got done and now Andre has planned an online ritual for him. It just so happens to be on the last day of the challenge and I think this is the answer to my sigil, will be a great lean in to addressing my emotional needs, and a sign from Baph. And is the beginning of the next step of my transformation.