Hitting against an alpha-male friend in a strange baseball game setup. The two teams hated each other. Later riding in my car with my wife and daughter. She tells me to take it easy. We just got it fixed. I was driving down a steep slope – off a table.
20 min sit. Do nothing sit, which is what I normally do but I was much clearer about this with myself than before. Carried out my time, which flew by, staring at the falling snow.
Was in the mood to do some magick after my sit but I wasn’t sure what to do. I planned on doing a black egg spell tonight but I’m out of eggs…
I took a sigil list I’ve been keeping and read through it one time, pulled up a drawing tool and let a sigil come to life. I spent a few minutes working on it and let it be. I’ll put in somewhere inconspicuous soon in the future.
Read for 45 minutes. In addition to Dickens’ Great Expectations, I’m currently reading, and read this morning, Don Delillo’s White Noise.
Pentagram Tarot Spread
Earth – Queen of Swords – reviewing everything, life, mental contents, emotions, actions, responsibility, etc
Water – 10 of Swords – have to review everything, trudging through this process in a somewhat goofy manner, shadow work is messy
Air – Ace of Pentacles – my mission is being carried out on cue
Fire – 6 of Cups – self-love
Spirit – 8 of Wands – do what you gotta do and do it well, strength of will
Looking at the cards again from earlier, I asked, what’s the kicker, what’s going to stop me moving forward with self-transformation? 10 Wheel of Fortune. Fate… oh fuuudge!
Last card pulled in unconscious desperation. Significator: Knight of Cups. Immature masculine emotional energy.
Tarot again. I got obsessive about it at this point and the answers weren’t meaningful enough to put into actual action.
3 cards – options for escape from fate. Categories intuitively based on how the card left the deck and were chosen when shuffling.
Mindless option – 5 Heirophant, I take this to mean don’t address the problem
Difficult option – 5 of Swords, work alcohol back into my life
Easy option – 10 Wheel of Fortune, at the time I took this to mean abstinence (interesting how the tables turned from earlier. Still trying to figure this one out).
New deck – Hidden Waters Tarot
What is your name (the demon behind my problem)?
5 of Pentacles
Heirophant of pentacles. The ability to take care of myself. Actually having to be alive and live. I pondered it’s relationship to dissociation. A disowned part of myself.
Things in my youth and in development over the years have lead to a lack of the ability to take care of myself. I’ve been lost on my own two feet, needing objects for self-nurturing.
Sigil made: I will take care of myself. Charged quickly with attention and an etheric swell.
Insight into the human situation – yes, you’re going to die.
Do something about life!